Running Scared: Fox-y Brown

Hollywood, CA – In her most recent interview with Cosmopolitan magazine, screen siren Megan Fox was asked to identify that of which she was most afraid and she responded with this nugget: “Every time I go on stage. Instant diarrhea.” The assumption is that Ms. Fox misunderstood the question to be “What scares the crap out of you?” When asked if it might be that she is just simply dyspeptic, Fox responded with incandescent indignation: “LOOK! Just because I crap myself on stage does NOT mean that I can’t read good!!”

Click Here for our Top 10 Favorite Megan Fox Hot Ass Stupid Quotes

Apparently, this little revelation has done little to dampen the fervor of her male audience as seen from the thousands of supporting comments posted on the Fox fan website: www.dudeswantingtopickthecornouttameganfoxsshit.com

 

When asked how she combats her little phobia she answered simply, “Depends.” No word on whether the diarrhea affects her mouth as well.

Miley Cyrus Will Not Retire Hannah Montana: Pervs Worldwide Breathe a Sigh of Relief

Hollywood, CA – Despite a recent spat of sexually charged public appearances, teen queen diva Miley Cyrus will not be retiring her wholesome alter ego, Hannah Montana, anytime soon she reports on her Twitter page. Dirty old men wishing to split her like a piece of firewood were thrilled to hear the news.

58 year-old divorcee Lee Harvey Jackson, standing in front of his trailer, wearing a “Hit Me Baby One More Time” T-shirt and sipping High Life from a Punky Brewster thermos offered the following morsel of enlightenment, “If they don’t want us objectifyin’ her, maybe they shouldn’t paint her up like a dime store hooker and put her on a stripper pole on national TV. If no one wanted to do it there wouldn’t be a law against it now would there??”

Miley’s dad Billy Ray was unavailable for comment due to a prior commitment: induction into the Mullet Hall of Fame.

A Family Affair: Father Knows Breast

Former seventies child star Mackenzie Phillips, in a vain attempt to stay relevant, has recently oozed her slimy, pock-marked ass back into the forum of public discussion by revealing a sordid tale of an incestuous relationship with her father, John Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas. No comment from Mr. Phillips, because he is currently worm food and can’t refute the charges brought against him by his Oxycotin-ogling, oleaginous offspring. She was quoted as saying, “My father was a man full of love without boundaries.” Or a soul, it would appear. Apparently the pussy was pretty good though; cuz according to Ms. Phillips, papa was takin’ it One Day at Time for almost a decade. This oxygen thief has zero class and should do the world a favor by deep throating a .357 magnum instead of a family member for a change. First of all, she has about as much credibility as Michael Jackson in a Boy Scout leader uniform.

Secondly, this attention-whore is NOT a victim and she was not raped. At what point does this society start stressing accountability? She started bangin’ her pops when she was 19 for Christ’s sake! Nine-fucking-teen!!! I wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer at 19, but I (like most organisms) had the whole “Don’t Fuck My Parent” thing down pat. She was screwing her DAD for over a DECADE! How is this idiot still alive? (paging Mr. Darwin) I for one have now had my faith in the theory of natural selection shaken like a trailer park toddler. And instead of taking accountability for her vile, deviant behavior she blamed it on the lifestyle and the pills. What pills are these??? Do they contain 100% pure, West Virginia creek water?? Look, I too was a bit of an amateur pharmacist back in the day but I can’t remember popping anything that made me wanna sodomize my mom.

And motherfuck Oprah’s fat ass for evening allowing this crazy cooze on her show. I was under the false impression that Oprah’s show was different because it was conducted with a modicum of class. Wrong. Ms. Phillips was quoted as saying, “there is a time and a place for everything.” Yeah, you freak show bitch, there’s a place for you alright. It’s back tossing salads for key bumps of booger sugar in stall #3 at the Greyhound bus depot. Crawl back under your rock and leave us the fuck alone. Skank.

Crossed Signals: Woman Claiming Her Husband Left Her Because She is Cross-Eyed Has Case Thrown Out

Boise, ID – Elementary school teacher Molly McStevenson was crushed to learn that her husband of 13 years was divorcing her.  Her heartache quickly turned into anger, however, when she came to believe that her ex was in fact leaving her because she was cross-eyed.  Claiming emotional distress, the former Mrs. Stevnson sought half of the marital assets.  In a stunning twist, however, the judge dismissed her case due to infidelity.  It turns out that she was seeing people on the side all along.

Mr. Stevenson was clearly relived when the verdict was read and he had this to say, “How could I ever raise a family with that woman?  Molly’s not even a good teacher.  She can’t get her own pupils straightened out for Christ’s sake.”

Black Market Bath Robe: The Thuggie Hits the Streets…

New York, NY – It appears that the makers of the wildly popular Snuggie have decided that there are some crucial target markets that they have missed, despite the product’s success.

They issued the following statement just yesterday:  “The African American market is very important to us, and we feel that we missed the mark.  Soon we will be releasing an urban edition of the Snuggie.  It’s a giant Crown Royal bag with sleeves!!  We’re tentatively calling it The Thuggie.”

When asked if the Snuggie was in fact just a glorified bath robe, their spokesperson reacted with righteous indignation: “BATH ROBE?? Are you serious?!?  We are S-O-O-O much more than that.  Does saying ‘bath robe’ make you feel totally happy?  Now say ‘Snuggie’.  Yeah, I thought so.   Next question.”

He Said, She Said: Who Pulled the Tranny?

San Francisco, CA – A schizophrenic transsexual was reported missing last week by his/her/its family.  Vincent Jennifer Johnson (a.k.a. Vi Jay Jay) was last seen by friends celebrating in the Castro district.

Mr. /Ms Johnson’s family members have said that they will do whatever it takes to bring attention to alleged abduction of their loved one, including an innovative spin on a traditional method: posting Vi Jay Jay’s picture on a carton of half and half.

Brown and Serve: Singer Does Roadside Community Service

It appears that R&B singer Chris Brown will be whacking weeds instead of women for a while. The volatile R & B singer was sentenced to five years of probation and 180 days of community service. Clad in an orange work vest, jeans and a baseball cap, the 20-year-old was seen clearing weeds and other debris at a police horse stables in Virginia. Maybe that explains the long face. Neigh, I regress….

No word yet on the disgraced superstars’ future plans, but talks of joining an Ike Turner tribute band have been floated. As his endorsers have abandoned him, Mr. Brown has been forced to seek revenue by representing less-heralded products, such as the Slap Chop, with Vince the Sham Wow guy.

In other news, here is a look at Rihanna’s nipple ring courtesy of Puff Daddy (or whatever the fuck he is calling himself these days) and Chris.

S.O.S. indeed….

Study Shows Shower Heads May Deliver Bacteria

Single Women Worldwide Devastated!!

Sexually frustrated women worldwide had their issues compounded yesterday when new research by the National Academy of Sciences revealed that shower heads can shoot a bacteria blast containing such menacing microbes as Mycobacterium avium and other germs known as non-tuberculosis mycobacteria.  Sally Anne Nelson, from Denver, Colorado had this to say:  “I’ve been using my shower head ever since my last boyfriend gave me an STD.  But non-tuberculosis mycobacteria?  Jesus.  Suddenly the clap doesn’t sound so bad.” Jenna Sartosky of Cleveland, OH was more vocal in voicing her disappointment: “Every f__ing time I find something that gets me off it has a drip.  First my ex-husband, and now my flexible shower head.”  Sales of vibrators are expected to skyrocket putting an end to the recent trend of “dophin-free tuna.”

No word on whether Delta Faucets and Trojan will partner in the near future or if Massengill will launch a new Penicillin Persimmon Douche to combat the threat…

Kan-ye BE a Bigger Douche??

Me Kanye!! I is vewwy, vewwy important!!!

The VMAs reached a new low last night when spokesperson extraordinaire for douche bags everywhere, Kanye West, interjected himself into the national picture in yet another futile attempt to remain relevant.  Sporting the new fashion line by Hefty Bag, shades to keep his incandescent talent star from searing his retinas, and his killer new “crop-circle ‘do” (previously thought extinct since 1989); Mr. West surritipitously snatched the microphone from Taylor Swift who was receiving the Best Female Video award, to go along with her “Ms. Wholesome American White Girl” award prompting idiotic racists nationwide to scream, “SEE???”.  Kanye was apparently incensed that Beyonce had been cheated out of her 34,000th trophy and decided that enough was enough.  The best part was the look on Beyonce’s face, like a bride when her pervy, drunken uncle staggers up and grabs the mike at the wedding to make his famous limerick toast “There once was a man from Nantucket…”

In my pantheon of memorable music award moments, this outburst still rates far below Ole Dirty Bastard’s unintentionally HILARIOUS “WuTang is Fo’ the Children” outburst at the Grammy’s but shattered the scale for “Event That Made Blacks and Whites Alike Equally Want to Punch Someone in the Face.”

Kanye is quickly entering Sinead O’Conner/Lauren Hill/Mike Tyson territory where he could jump onstage at the next presidential debate, snatch the mike and scream “Gooogly Boogly.  I’m an extraterrestrial!  Yee-uh!!  Holla.!!” and we would all just shake our heads and say, “Man, that Kanye is a damned fool.  Somebody get that boy some meds.” and go the hell on with our days.  Furthermore, if he keeps this up his career is going to, as Mike Tyson famously said, end up “fading  into bolivian.”

Kanye “apologized” on his blog by saying the following: “I feel like Ben Stiller in Meet the Parents when he messed up everything and Robert De Niro asked him to leave.”  Actually Kanye, I thought it was reminiscent of another movie where the retard messes everything up:  Of Mice and Men.   Only this classic’s ending is a bit more apropos, given your history: even the poor man’s best friend realizes that his dim-witted buddy just can’t be out in public with the regular people anymore…and puts a bullet in his head.  I hope Kanye has a REALLY good friend named George…